Hella Bagels
Are they hella good or hella nah?
This roving reporting is back in the Bay Area and eager to try the latest in East Bay food trends - Hella Bagels - whose March opening was a highly anticipated event for us bagel-starved Californians.
Hella Bagels started during the pandemic as a delivery service that quickly rose to popularity and developed a “cult-like following,” according to Oaklandside, whom I generally respect as a trusted local news outlet, but whose bagel-reporting credentials I seriously doubt.
California does love its cults, though. And cults thrive on desperation.
Ahh, the pandemic. Remember how desperate we were back then? When the highlight of your week was placing a contactless pickup order and strapping on that chin diaper to make your first voyage out of the house in days? Hard to believe that was four whole years ago. And when it comes to bagels, I don’t think we’ve any gotten less desperate in the years since.
Design-wise Hella Bagels is decidedly modern, cultivating a sleek and minimalist Apple store-esque aesthetic, but with a 70’s twist. Like their crosstown rival Poppy Bagels, it’s a brand-forward foodie joint born of the Instagram era, where success is often less about quality and more about how photogenic the dining experience is.
Approaching the counter, my eye was drawn to a menu boasting seven classic East Coast flavors (pictured above). But my pleasure turned to disappointment when I observed the actual bagels in stock (pictured below).
The all too pitiful sight of a largely empty bagel rack. I see it at Poppy’s. I saw it in LA at the trendy Calic Bagels. And it’s no surprise to see it here at Hella.
What’s really going on here? Even the most well-respected bagel spots in CA seem to have no shame about emptiness. When I go back East, those wire baskets are absolutely teeming with fresh bagels. Have the Californians just not figured out how to bake at scale? Or could it be that sales are relatively low in comparison to NJ or NY, so they deliberately bake less?
More investigating is needed to find the truth. But for now, I’ll just say this. Having only three flavors to choose from is absolutely pitiful.
Eyeing the menu, I order the “sideshow.” I know, I know, usually it’s just an everything with plain cream cheese for this critic. But I was feeling saucy. The sideshow is a nova lox schmear with shallots, capers, and dill topped with sliced tomato. Sounds good, right? And I will admit that $6.50 is a decent price for something fancier than a plain schmear.
I also grabbed a cold brew for $5.
My partner, as usual, went full maximalist. They ordered “the wifey,” which is whitefish salad with cucumber, pickled onion, and dill, with a scallion schmear on a sesame bagel. The sandwich version costs $11 but of course they opted to pay an extra $5 for the larger open-faced option, bringing the total bagel price to $16. But they didn’t stop there. Also added to the bill was an orange juice and a can of “Cel-Ray”celery soda, something I’ve never tried before.
With tip, this brought the total of our bagel breakfast to an excruciating $40. Good lord.
Quick note on the cold brew: It was watery and weak. I had to add a lot of cream and sugar to make it good.
My partner: “But babe, didn't you write about how much you love shitty coffee at the bagel place?”
Yes, this is true. BUT those coffees are like $2! For a $5 cold brew, I expect that premium bougie coffee taste.
The celery soda on the other hand was delightful. Crisp, herbal, and not too sweet. Apparently this is a traditional New York Jew thing. According to wiki, “Cel-Ray was so popular in the 1930s among New York City's Jewish community that it earned the nickname ‘Jewish Champagne.’” Who knew!
Okay, on to bagels. They came out rapidly. First impressions: these things are tiny.
Back home, we have a word for bagels like these. They’re called “mini bagels.” We buy them for children.
Taking a bite, the texture of this bagel is pretty good. It’s not stale like Berkeley Bagels, and it’s certainly not rock solid and completely inedible like Beauty’s. But it’s nothing spectacular either. A solid middle of the road fresh bagel with a yeasty flavor and a satisfying chew. It was also 1pm by the time it came out, and of course we ordered these bagels un-toasted, so it does pass the freshness test.
I was disappointed to observe no fresh dill or capers on my sandwich.
Checking the menu a second time, I failed to read the word “blended” in that item. I guess they blend the cream cheese with dill and capers, instead of topping it. Ugh. Defeated by the fine print. Still, I will say the schmear itself was tasty and well portioned with a good amount of lox mixed in. But it did squirt right out the sides because the bagel was too small to contain it.
Determined not to miss any more details from that menu, I also noticed the price of a dozen bagels here at Hella. A gag-inducing $30. You have got to be shitting me.
At this point, I immediately texted my friend Kieran from Jersey to inquire about the current price of a dozen bagels. He got back to me with a succinct breakdown of six local spots. The most expensive is our hometown Ringwood’s own Goldberg’s Bagels at $22.71 (which is why we all hate Goldberg’s). The cheapest is the incredible Hot Bagels from Oakland, NJ. Averaged together, the current cost of a dozen bagels in NJ is approximately $16.
Are we surprised that a dozen tiny bagels costs literally double here in the Bay? Sadly, no, we are not. I’ve been in this business long enough to know that disappointment is around every corner. But there is some poetry in the fact that one of the cheapest dozens out there is from a town that’s also called Oakland. Pack your bags, kids, we’re moving back home!
Just kidding. Despite the dearth of good bagels, I’d still rather live in California. I imagine the rent is probably cheaper in Oakland, New Jersey though, which could partly explains why the dozens are still cheap. That, and the fact that it’s just bread, silly!
Now, on to the whitefish.
This menu item was the clear winner of the day. Just look at how lavishly they pile those pickled red onions. And take a gander at that heap of fresh dill! It looks straight from the garden. C'est chic.
This one also came with real capers bouncing around the plate. “That’s what I wanted!” I exclaimed, like a child jealous that his little sister’s food came out looking better.
The flavor of the whitefish was also quite good. Smoky, tangy, with a creamy finish. And the sesame bagel this sandwich came on was ever-so-slightly larger than the everything. Finally, the portion of whitefish was genuinely heaping. Shoutout to whoever prepared this particular sando.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Hella bagels are not hella good, but they’re not hella bad either. They’re just hella small. Apart from the dozens, they are also decently priced. For the Bay Area. The $16 open-faced whitefish was kind of worth it. And $6.50 for a lox schmear is better than most spots in the Bay. Plus, it is pretty darn cute inside. If the the bagels were bigger I would probably rank them higher. But they’re not, so they get the following rating.
WEST COAST: 6.5
[My partner, glaring over my shoulder] “Babe! That whitefish was hella good! That’s too mean! They deserve more.
Me: Ok, fine. FINE.
WEST COAST: 7
EAST COAST: 4
