Noe Bagel
In our very first guest post, my little cousin Emma takes the Jersey Boy attitude to San Francisco
Talking trash week after week is tough work. I’ve been busting my ass to cover the East Bay, but on the other side of Bay Bridge is an entire city that’s looooong overdue for a takedown. San Francisco has some of the most overpriced, overrated food in the state. They also happen to have some of the best pizza and bagels I’ve tried out West. It’s a land of extremes, as we all know. So this week, I dispatched my little cousin Emma Anderson to clue us in on the SF bagel scene.
Emma is not only a Jersey Girl™, she’s famiglia. So we can trust her to give an honest review. I’ll let her take it from here.
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Hello and welcome to Jersey Boy Eats’ first San Francisco review, brought to you by another Jersey transplant that’s found herself in this foreign, yuppie-filled land. Hailing from the sticks of northwestern New Jersey, I moved to San Francisco in 2021. Almost immediately after moving in, I realized how deeply unsatisfying the bagels are in this town. In my small rural hometown, basically the only dining establishments in business are either pizzerias (Tony’s, Frank’s, or Dominic’s, take your pick) or bagel places (Bagel Tree, Hot Bagel, G’s Bagel, the list goes on). It quickly became apparent that the tech overlords who run this metropolis still haven’t figured out how to code anything close to a Bagel Tree quality bagel. So when Cousin Sam told me he was starting an East Coast comfort food blog, I was more than happy to contribute my perspective on San Francisco. I can no longer stay silent. These bagel places need to know the truth.
I first set my crosshairs on Daily Driver, the epitome of San Francisco bagel culture and a classic example of everything wrong with bagels in the Golden City. Alas, Dogpatch is simply too far away from me and Daily Driver isn’t worth the trek (but rest assured Daily Driver, I’m coming for you one day).
Instead, I laid my eyes on a closer, more casual establishment: Noe Bagel. Noe Valley is one of SF’s wealthier neighborhoods, notorious for its surplus of rich young families. Also notorious for being surrounded by giant hills, a reason I typically keep my distance from this neighborhood. But for the sake of food journalism, I put on my very best athleisure - to blend in with the yuppie families, of course - and I made my way over this beast of a hill toward Noe Bagel.
Upon arriving at Noe Bagel, I realize I’ve actually been here before – right when I first moved to California, when I was young and bright-eyed. Since first visiting Noe Bagel, I’ve been disappointed by more bagels than I can count, so my recollection of that first experience is pretty minimal. But I enter knowing I’ll likely walk out with a very forgettable bagel.
I’m a bagel purist, and my usual go-to order is an everything with olive cream cheese. Apparently New Jersey is the only place that offers this specific type of cream cheese. Since moving here and mentioning the magic of olive cream cheese, I am constantly met with blank stares (and even some “ews” from people with ignorant palates). I walked in fully expecting to get my usual, but life had other plans.
A note on bagels (that I’m sure Sam has covered): the test of a decent bagel is getting it un-toasted – if you need to toast a bagel, that means it's not fresh. A good, fresh bagel should be crunchy on the outside and fluffy on the inside with a warm, inviting temperature.
The bagels at Noe Bagel were not giving fresh bagel vibes.
I could tell immediately I wouldn’t be getting the warm, inviting bagel sensation that I craved, so I did a quick pivot from my classic order to something a bit more extravagant, hoping it might hide the bagel’s freshness (or lack thereof). I mean, I did climb a hill to get here, so I deserve it. After a quick survey around, I spotted the bacon just sitting on top of the microwave looking way too limp for my liking. Well, there goes my plan for a BEC-SPK. (That stands for “bacon, egg & cheese, salt, pepper, ketchup” ya goofballs.) Breaking under the pressure of decisions, I opt for an unorthodox bagel order: SAUSAGE, egg, and cheese. Who am I!? Moments like this make me miss my salty & thicc Taylor ham.
After placing my order and meditating on my own insanity, I take some time to look around.
The bagel section isn’t screaming “made recently” to me, but I thought their overall spread of bagels was impressive nonetheless. At this point it's close to 1pm, so I’m assuming these bagels are way past their prime and are only “fresh” by SF standards. I also take some time to watch their SEC(no SPK, I was told only ketchup packets) cheffing process, and am surprised to see the egg is made in the microwave alongside the sausage. I suppose this is to be expected, but it's still jarring to see the process. Bagel Tree would never – NJ would never. My cousin Sam on the other hand might be losing his mind because he had shockingly non-rude things to say about the microwaved eggy sammy in his recent review of Sweet Bar.
While I am saddened by this microwave involvement, it also feels important to note how quick it makes the process. After only 4ish minutes, I’m out the door with my bagel, my seltzer, and my five ketchup packets.
Before getting into the bagel judging, I want to take a moment to ask bagel places in San Francisco why they refuse to be open on weekdays!? Do you hate money? I selected Noe Bagel because it has the highest rating within two miles of my neighborhood AND it was one of the only bagel places open on a Monday! All the other bagel places, outside of your bagel chains like Posh Bagels, are closed Monday-Thursday. Why San Francisco? Maybe I want a bagel on a Tuesday, what’s so wrong with that!?
Anywho, I digress. This microwavable bagel sando cost me $9.50, with an overall total of $11.00 once you add in my seltzer. $9.50!!!!!! This is way too expensive compared to a BEC at Bagel Tree, my hometown hero. To prove my point, I’m adding a screenshot of Bagel Tree’s menu so you all can see how a real one does it. On the off chance you ever find yourself in Sussex County, NJ definitely check it out. And then promptly leave Sussex County because you’ll find nothing else there.
$5.50 for a fresh bagel and real egg compared to $9.50. Oh California, are you ok?
After selecting a cute local park where all the Noe Valley nannies hang out on the weekdays, it was time to dive in. I will applaud this cheese pull, courtesy of the microwave. I’m a sucker for perfectly melted cheese, so this begins to warm my cold, broken bagel heart. The egg and sausage are made well ala the microwave, and I can’t really complain too much about the combo. Sometimes egg, cheese, and sausage just really slap.
However, the bagel itself leaves a lot to be desired. First of all, it's quite small. It’s not very fluffy, and as a result of the lack of fluff and small size it’s just pretty tough to chew. The everything seasoning is well spread out, which is an accomplishment for SF bagels (looking at you Daily Driver), but overall the bagel itself is pretty lackluster. I do appreciate the butter they added to the sandwich, making the bagel slightly softer and saltier.
Final Thoughts
This was a pretty decent microwavable breakfast sandwich that I could have taken out of the freezer area in Safeway. In fact, it reminded me of Jimmy Dean’s breakfast sandwiches. Noe Bagel is in luck, because I happen to fucking love Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches and spent most of my adolescence begging my mother to buy them for me. And for that, Noe Bagel your score is the following:
West Coast: 6
East Coast: 3
