Maury's Bagels
I'm back in Los Angles. Pray for me.
Welcome back, Jabronis.
This summer’s been hotter than hell, and I am pissed off about it. No one told me when I was a baby that I would still be alive when the planet caught a fever, starting a long slow process of burning us off, one by one, til nothing but roaches can survive on this once beautiful planet.
What can I say, heat and complaining go together like bagels and cream cheese.
To make things worse, I woke up in Los Angeles this morning. I’m not sure why, but I think it has something to do with “chasing my dreams” and “building a stable career in media.” As if such a thing were even possible in this year of our lord, 2024.
Lemme tell ya, there are only a couple good things about Los Angeles, and bagels ain’t one of em.
This is a land of dreams. Mostly shattered ones, but a couple of them are still alive. One of the live ones is the absolute pipe dream of creating a good west coast bagel. Seriously, there are people here who think they’ve done it. What a bunch of a phonies! But let’s humor them for a moment, just for kicks, shall we?
One of those phonies resides in the annoyingly hip neighborhood of Silver Lake, adjacent to the even more annoyingly hip neighborhood of Echo Park, where I happen to be residing for the moment, in a flea-infested apartment above a very loud music venue on Sunset Boulevard.
Picture this: mice scurrying around at night. A run down building that hasn’t been cleaned in years. Loud, blaring sounds flying in through the windows from God knows where. The whole scenario is very New York. You might think I’m complaining, but it’s actually quite comforting.
Well, this morning I awoke with a feeling of anxiety caused by the fact that I haven’t published anything on this blog in way too long. To be fair, I’ve been working on some real stories, including an upcoming episode of The California Report Magazine (stay tuned!) and a super goofy fiction podcast about a pizza monster from outer space.
Not to mention a new podcast series that has me traveling to Phoenix in a month to investigate an arson attack.
As a result, this humble blog has been on summer vacation. Not anymore! Time to get up off your ass, it’s bagel time!
Real talk though, thank you so much for reading and subscribing, you guys rule.
Rolling out of bed this morning, I searched my phone for the nearest bagel shop. It was called Maury’s.
Good Jewish name. Off to an ok start.
Maury’s was about a mile away, and I had a few hours until the hottest part of the day. So I did what any Californian would do. I thought about walking, then got in my car and burned some freedom juice for about 3 minutes, then spent another 5 minutes looking for parking.
Walking in, I beheld a beautiful sight.
Those baskets are teeming! Granted, there’s only nine flavors, but still, this is the most abundance I think I’ve ever witnessed in this godforsaken state. And they’re all traditional flavors (for the most part). The only stupid one is jalapeño cheddar, but whadd’ya gonna do?
I check the menu. It’s a blend of bougie and traditional.
I am encouraged to see a dozen bagels going for the somewhat reasonable price of $22, a fair amount cheaper than Hella Bagels in Oakland, for instance, who charges $30.
As usual, I order an everything bagel, un-toasted, with cream cheese.
“Wait, not toasted?” asks the slack-jawed boy at the counter.
“Yes, you moron, don’t you dare toast my bagel.”
(Of course I didn’t call him a moron in real life, I just thought it in my head.)
My everything with cream cheese cost only $4! What a bargain. I’m liking this place already.
My partner, who is so graciously visiting me from Oakland, ordered the daily special, the “sable bagel” on sesame.
What the heck is sable? Turns out, it’s smoked cod. Interesting choice. This one obviously cost a lot more, $14. They also ordered a matcha and a fresh orange juice, brining our total to $31.
Pretty much the moment we stepped outside, the bagels came whizzing out the window. They came simply wrapped in paper and - Gods be good - they were sliced in half! Wow, bravo. At least they’re covering the basics.
First impressions: these bagels are small. Almost as small as Hella Bagels, which my friend from Jersey referred to as bagels for ants with stock options.
(Sorry Hella Bagels, I’ll stop shaming you now. You actually have potential and I’m rooting for you.)
But on the cream cheese front, it’s a generous portion. Look at that schmear! Looking thicc as hell, just the way I like it.
The texture of the bagel is very good. Crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside. It passes the test.
The cream cheese is a bit on the dry side, which some people like, but it’s not my preference. It’s far from the best cream cheese I’ve ever had. But it’s not the worst either.
Now onto the sable. This one comes with cream cheese, sable (smoked cod), heirloom tomato, and capers.
For an upcharge of $10, there was a disappointingly small amount of fish on this bagel. To be fair, my partner ate the first half, which they described as quite fishy. By the time I took a bite of the second half, there was almost no fish on that side. But I could still taste the smoky flavor, so it must be strong. And the flavor itself was pretty good.
The sesame bagel on the other hand was not nearly as good as the everything. It just didn’t taste as fresh.
Then my partner and I got into a fight over how I always order the boring bagel and they order the fancy bagel, and how I refuse to pay for the fancy bagel, but I still benefit from the fancy bagel because I get to review it, which makes my reviews more substantive.
Okay, fair point. Truth is, I’ve been broke as a joke this year, and haven’t been taking them out on as many dates as I should. I’m not proud of that fact, but at the same time, we are very different in our tastes.
I like simple things: a bagel with plain cream cheese that costs less than $5. My partner on the other hand, orders everything on the damn menu and doesn’t blink twice at a $45 bill for takeout breakfast at the bagel store.
Well, I lost the fight. From this moment on, I promise to pay for the entire meal anytime I’m doing a review. So to anyone who supports this blog with a small monthly donation, know that more than half of it is going to feeding my beautiful partner who always orders the bougie items off the menu.
Well folks, that’s it for this week’s review of Maury’s Bagels!
FINAL THOUGHTS
Maury’s makes a very decent bagel, and $4 for a plain bagel with cream cheese is a super fair price that can’t be beat on the west coast. They do suffer from a classic west coast problem: they are too damn small! My reccomendation: stick to a simple schmear or a dozen bagels to take home to the family. I can’t fully recommend the fancy sandwiches because of the portions and high prices, but I didn’t try all of them, so experiment at your will.
WEST COAST: 8
EAST COAST: 6
